29 Traits of the Literary Detective

Any avid reader of crime fiction realizes that we are in a golden age. The writing level is at an all-time high, there is a boom in foreign language translations, and the internet gives us access to more writers than ever before. But as genre books continue to fill my bookshelves and reading apps I am more acutely aware of the traits that so many of the heroes of these novels seem to have. So if you want to grow up to be a fictional crime detective (PIs and cops) I have put together a list of what’s in your future

(If you look down my Goodreads list (goodreads.com/vastine) you will note that I tend to read books with male protagonists written by novelists from the United States and Europe.  I’m not sure why this is but I am sure it means something terrible lurks deep in my soul. This list reflects my reading bias. That’s not to say I wouldn’t love to be Kinsey Milhone.)

1. You drink too much or you used to.

2. Your drinking will be the cause of at least one divorce and other failed relationships.

3. You are not a wine drinker.

4. You have a child from a broken relationship. This child will have deep-seeded issues with you.

5. At some point your child will be threatened or abducted by bad guys. Don’t worry; kids are always saved in the end.  Sadly, the child’s issues with you will grow worse.

6. At some point your ex will be threatened or abducted. Do worry; exes tend to die.  Sadly, this will send you into a spiral of guilt that brings you back to the bottle.

7. After quitting drinking for the last time you get involved with a reformed prostitute who is not ashamed of her past. This relationship will only last two books.

8. You sleep with partners, clients, suspects and former adversaries.

9. You suffer from insomnia.

10. You are tall.

11. If you are an American private detective you have an amoral friend whose wanton attitude towards violence allows for the mass killing of bad guys without you taking the blame.

12. You cross the legal line when killing bad guys.  Luckily, this always happens at the end of books so you don’t have to go to jail.

 13.  Some cop will ask you to you, “Why is it that whenever you show up that I know dead bodies will be involved?”

14. If you are a PI you are an ex-cop.

15. If you are a PI you have a contact at the police station that provides information for you while always saying, “This is the last time I help you. I could lose my job.”

16. The public always lies to you.

17. The public never respects you.

18. There is at least one cop who hates you.

19. You don’t believe in god (especially if you’re a European cop.)

20. At some point you face off with religious crazies so superficially fanatical that it would make Stephen King squirm.

21. If you are American, you will tangle with Southerners so stereotypically backwoods that it will make The Dukes of Hazard look like a Ted Talk.

22. Your supportive boss will retire to be replaced by one who hates you.

23. You don’t trust “suits.”

24. You are the rare liberal policeman.

25. You read books by well-known crime novelists that readers suspect are the writer’s friends.

26. You like jazz.

27. You never seem to need to go to the restroom even if you are tied up in a shed for a week.

28. If you have a parent alive, he or she has dementia.

29. You will live to see another day.

If you have any others please leave them in the comments.